But tonight I think I'd rather just go dancing.

Zen

There's so much going on in my world right now that I have trouble sitting down and deciding where to begin. I'm mounting a production of Here Come the Alligators slated for the weekends of June 9-11 and 16-18. Auditions are taking place this weekend at the University Heights Community Center. A table reading will take place the next Sunday and the week after that, we begin rehearsals. How did this all happen so quickly? Wasn't it just last Friday that was lugging my suitcases into the foyer, wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself?

What it ultimately comes down to is channeling my obsessive tendencies in some self-validating way, knowing that if I don't start doing something now, I'm just going to keep sitting around and keep making excuses for why my life is not working. (BOR-ING) Even if I do harbor crippling insecurities about my ability as a writer, director, composer, self-motivator, whatever, I can't deny that these things, above all, seem to give me a much larger sense of identity and contribution than anything else. And so regardless of whether or not I trust myself to put this all together with virtually no one else's support, this is something that I am doing. Period.

Aside from all of that, I've been booking interviews for part-time positions as a barista/server not only to accomodate this project (which is coming straight out of my own savings), but to keep myself at financial equilibrium for when I go overseas this summer. This means, Xiaochang, that the month of June is out for me. In the next few months, I'll be as busy as I've ever been. But the plan after all of it through is to move on, maybe even move up.

*sigh* I don't want to address my reservations about all of this happening at the speed it is happening and yet I feel as if I must. Because while I'm quite proud of Here Come the Alligators, a part of me feels very, very exhausted of it. After all, it was supposed to have been a side project. Am I bereft of ideas, or is this just a "happy accident"? I certainly don't feel as if it adequately represents my capabilities as a playwright. And I'd like to think that while I'm rehearsing for this show, it'll give me further motivation to continue other projects and avoid writing anything similar.

We'll see. There's a lot to think about. But for now I just want to go to bed.